There is no right or wrong way to grieve a pet whether you are neurodiverse or neurotypical but for a neurodivergent person, the loss may be particularly intense because they haven’t simply lost a companion. They may have lost their routine, their safe space, their emotional anchor and one of the most uncomplicated relationships in their life. While there are many core neurodivergent conditions, I’m most familiar with ADHD (having this diagnosis myself) and autism.
For some people, losing a pet is not simply losing an animal. It is losing a best friend, a source of comfort, a reason to get out of bed, a familiar presence at the end of a difficult day and, sometimes, the one relationship that felt completely safe.
For someone who is neurodivergent, particularly someone with ADHD or autism, pet loss can feel overwhelming in ways that are difficult for others to see or understand. The grief may be enormous. But what makes it even harder is that it may not always look like grief to the people around them.
For many autistic people, animals can offer a uniquely safe relationship. A pet doesn’t expect eye contact, understand social rules or require complicated conversations. They simply love unconditionally. Their presence can provide comfort during sensory overload, anxiety or difficult days. Their routines can create predictability: breakfast at the same time, a walk after work, cuddles on the sofa before bed.
When that animal dies, their absence can feel like the world has turned upside down. There is suddenly no familiar sound of paws on the floor. No face waiting at the window. No warm body beside you. The routine that helped structure the day has disappeared.
For someone with autism, this sudden and permanent change can be deeply distressing. It isn’t only emotional pain; it can feel like the entire rhythm of life has been disrupted.
For someone with ADHD, a pet may have provided something equally important: structure, motivation and connection. A dog may have been the reason to leave the house. Feeding a cat may have been one of the anchors of the morning. Caring for an animal can provide external structure when managing time, tasks and routines is already difficult. When the pet is gone, those anchors disappear too.
Grief doesn’t always look like crying
One of the most important things to understand about neurodivergent grief is that it may not look the way society expects grief to look.
Someone may cry uncontrollably. They may become completely silent. They may experience a shutdown or meltdown. They may struggle to eat, sleep, work or communicate. There may be an increase in stimming behaviours. They might talk about their pet constantly, replay the final days, ruminate, search for answers or repeatedly tell the same stories about them.
To somebody else, this might appear excessive or as though they are “not moving on” but repetition can be part of processing. Talking about the pet can be a way of making sense of something that feels impossible to accept.
Equally, a person may appear remarkably calm. They may return to work, laugh with friends or continue their normal activities but that doesn’t mean they aren’t heartbroken. Some neurodivergent people mask their emotions because they have learned that their natural responses aren’t always understood by society. Others may process feelings internally or experience delayed grief, where the reality of the loss doesn’t fully sink in until days or weeks later.
With ADHD, grief can also amplify difficulties with concentration, memory, motivation and emotional regulation. Everyday tasks can suddenly become exhausting. Someone who normally struggles with executive functioning may find even basic responsibilities almost impossible. Their pet may have been there when friendships were difficult, when sensory overload became unbearable, during periods of loneliness and on days when simply getting through the day felt like an achievement. The pet didn’t judge them. They didn’t demand that they behave differently. They were simply there, loving and accepting.
Five ways to support someone with ADHD or autism after pet loss
1. Validate their grief.
Tell them that their loss matters. Avoid comparing it to other bereavements or putting a timeline on it. It takes as long as it takes.
2. Don’t judge how their grief looks.
Crying, silence, anger, repetition, withdrawal, humour, stimming or appearing
unaffected can all be ways of processing grief. Don’t assume you know what is
happening internally.
3. Offer practical help.
Grief can make executive functioning even harder. Offer specific support such
as preparing food, helping with household tasks, going for a walk or simply
sitting with them. A really useful resource is the Emotion Sensation Feeling
Wheel which is available at www.lindsaybraman.com and helps those struggling to identify their emotions.
4. Understand the importance of routine.
The death of a pet can remove a huge part of someone’s daily structure. Gentle
support with maintaining meals, sleep, exercise and familiar activities can
provide stability while they adjust. They may need reminders to take medication
due to this routine being disrupted.
5. Let them remember their pet.
Don’t be afraid to say the animal’s name. Look at photographs with them. Listen
to their stories. Help them create a memory box, photograph album or other
tributes if they want to. Remembering isn’t “dwelling” — sometimes it is how we
learn to live with the love that remains.
We’ll take a deeper dive into this in another blog but for now, I hope this was useful.
The Scottish Pet Bereavement Counselling Service 